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I get asked a lot if I'd be willing to change my stories. It's a frequent thing. No one ever asks it to be rude, and I never take it that way; it's an honest question. The truth is, I might not be succeeding because of the way my work was written. It's a valid reason and something I'm scared of.
If it's something I'm scared of, the answer should be obvious. I should be able to just ask for criticism and change what people don't like. It should be that simple, and I know for a fact that it is.
The journalist side of me has had this happen over and over again. I've had work chewed up and spit out until I no longer realized that I was the one who wrote it. For a writer, it's just a part of the industry that I've grown a second layer of skin from. It's not personal by any means, it's just what's better for that publisher.
When it comes to my fictional works, I simply can't do it. I won't come close to allowing it, even if it meant that my work would get more recognition. It sounds selfish, perhaps even insane, but it's a truth I've struggled with about myself for a while.
I think of it the way a journalist would. It's beyond irresponsible to change quotes or imply meaning to statements given by interviewees. You should never do it because it's immoral. And while the people I write about here aren't real, I still feel I owe it to them to keep those stories the same. To be honest with them and myself; because really, it's the same thing.
I've critically analyzed a lot of my work after I've written it. A lot of people might wonder why I don't do this when I'm actively writing it; wouldn't it be better from an editing standpoint to go back and fix the story? Maybe. But I've learned a lot about myself by writing this way.
Let me put it this way, I've had these characters with me since I was a freshmen in high school. Their worlds, lives and stories have all become so much clearer as I grew. They didn't really change, but the connections that made them came into focus like I'd just gotten a new pair of glasses.
I love my characters. I'm attached, probably more than I should be and more than allowed. There are these pockets of time where I don't feel completely here and let myself dissociate from my world into theirs. Those moments are precious to me, perhaps because they save me.
I don't want to say that I do this often enough to never be present; that simply wouldn't be true. I try to be healthy with my habits and so when I do decide to imagine these places, even for just a little while, I try to do it at points in my life when I'm allowed a moment to myself. Consider this my happy place, the place I need to go when I've had enough.
If I changed these stories, I'd feel like I'm lying. Maybe there are problematic themes, relationships or dynamics in my stories; maybe they're all around bad from start to finish. But that being said, the one thing I can say is that they are mine. Not all stories can be great and not all stories will appease everyone.
I don't want to sell out for recognition. I want people to like my work for what it is. I want it to be what it is because it comes from me, flaws and all. As I've said in a previous post, I might grow beyond this. I want to be accountable for what I do. Even if it's not intentional, if there's something horribly wrong with the work for no reason, I want to be called out and to learn from it in my own way.
I don't want to ask my readers to be my teachers, but I'm sure I'll be learning something from them anyways. I want to grow with my writing. That's why I don't take down old stuff, no matter how cringe-worthy it is. I don't rewrite my fan fiction, my old work or any of it because, for the girl who wrote it four years ago, last year, last month, week, yesterday, it was the truth. It came from her heart. And as a writer, she grew into something else and so did her stories.
It could be stubbornness and it could be fatal, but I don't think I'll change my work for the sake of being published. I'd rather own my work and toil over my own marketing and work to get ahead. If not for myself, for the fact that I want to look back and cringe so that I can grow. And who knows? I might even change my policy on this down the road. I can't say who I'll be a few years from now or even tomorrow.
If you love my stories for what they are now, thank you. I can't tell you what that means to me. When my actors tell me how much their characters mean to them or how they personally identify with a story, or even just what Black Moor has done for them in general, I get emotional. I take a moment because I realize that what these stories have done for me, they've done for someone else.
I want to succeed because others have invested in me and I want to see them do well. I don't think I myself need a dozen followers and readers to feel like I've done my job well. Perhaps to some, my work won't have been worth it. But that just means I'm not writing for them. I'm writing for those few that need it. I'm writing for me. I intend to keep it that way.