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Recently, my best friend introduced me to something I'd never heard of before. It was strange because the topic itself had come up multiple times, but we'd never really had a name to place this phenomenon that would frequently happen in our lives. It's not something I'm particularly open to talking about with the world, mostly because of its nature, but I think I'm growing and learning how to communicate this better.
My friend discussed her discovery of the term "maladaptive daydreaming". She's a fanfiction writer who takes on requests from her readers; one of them had specifically asked for this to be included. After researching, she brought it back to me, explaining that there was a very real possibility that we both had it. Maladaptive daydreaming, from what I've learned, is a disorder where people are constantly having very vivid daydreams almost constantly. These daydreams aren't very typical because they're more concrete than the average thought. There are detailed characters and complex plots. For some, they may be able to actually interact with the daydream.
Here's the thing; there's not really a definite way to diagnose this. It's still a very new term and there isn't a cure for it, however some medications may be able to suppress it. This is part of the reason I haven't exactly gone for an official diagnosis. The other part is that I personally wouldn't want to cure this, because this is how I write the nexus in the first place.
I can remember most of the prevalent daydreams I had anywhere from elementary school and up. In some cases, it feels like those were memories in it of themselves; they were a part of my day to day, just like my real-world interactions are. They gave meaning to very meaningless things, like where I was driving while I had it. I can't exactly remember the last time I stopped daydreaming.
It was sometime in high school that my daydreams began to revolve around the construction of the nexus; its universe and the people that lived inside it. Before that there had been plenty of other dreams, mostly pertaining to either myself or series of games that I loved. In fact, some of my fanfictions, such as my World of Warcraft series, came out of this era as well. During this time, I was introduced to the experiences of several key characters; Scarlett was certainly one of them.
It wasn't until sometime after Bosh's creation that I began to see how all of these stories over the years connected. How some characters were suddenly reborn into new situations, yet still maintaining their core self, including their original names. The nexus began to develop and a history began to unfold. I didn't just think of these characters slowly over time, I grew up with them. Just as I probably influenced their stories, they influenced mine as well. This is partially why it is so difficult for me to change the plots of stories, as per my last entry.
I do interact with a few of my characters. Scarlett has always been one of the most prominent ones because she acts as a sort of guide for all stories. Through her eyes, I seem to be a kind of scribe that takes note of the world's history and gives it to others. Through mine, I get to see the places and people I love and dream. But I don't get to talk to all of them; characters such as Paige or Nova are very difficult to interact with. Most of the time, I only speak to them after their stories have ended and they've long since been dead. It's not as creepy as it sounds, I promise; as you might have guessed, death is a very different kind of concept in this world.
I wanted to share just a part of what I experience and how I write these stories. I was once asked how I created them, but I had no real answer. I worried that people would think I was unstable and couldn't manage life, which is a very real fear when you have other mental disorders and illnesses. I have my upbringing to thank for the fact that I can still function and not spend my entire life in my daydreams. But, after having a name to attach to a face, I feel like I can be at least a little more open about it.
Perhaps it is unreasonable to not get an a diagnosis from a doctor (of the kind they have available, despite there being nothing formal) and perhaps it is even irresponsible to not get it treated, but without it I feel as though I would lose both a part of myself and my life. I've lived with it for so long, I cannot imagine how flavorless the world might be if I didn't have it. How tasteless I might even be as a person. While I'm sure I would be just fine, I still refuse. I have treated many things in my life that have caused sheer terror and damage on myself; things like my horrific panic disorder and generalized anxiety, for example. But this is one of the biggest things in my life that brings me joy. And, so long as I am able to function, I feel that it is a positive influence on my life, rather than a negative one.
Note: If you have MD and more resources, please let me know! I've only just found out about this and done moderate research to understand what's available to me. The more information, the better!